We Tried Couples Therapy and it Didn’t Work!

March 5, 2020 by admin in Marriage, Relationships, Therapist | Comments Off

Did you try couples therapy hoping things would get better but instead they got worse? Did the session devolve into the same argument or you were deeply hurt in the session? Does couples therapy even work? If previous efforts to use couples therapy have been unsuccessful, our hearts go out to you. You took a risk to try to get help and instead were met with disappointment, maybe even judgement. Are you not wanting to go through that again but don’t know where else to turn for help? As specialists in couples work, we have a few things for you to consider…

First, did you choose a therapist who specializes in couples work? As in all fields, therapists have a range of specialties and capabilities. How do you know which therapist is skilled? Too many well-meaning therapists who have only been trained to work with individuals agree to see couples. They may invite their client’s spouse to join in the sessions OR the client may request their partner comes in. The concern with individual therapists is the therapist may not be knowledgeable about the complicated dynamics in long-term relationships. They know how to validate and empathize with individual clients but not know how to handle the interactions between a couple. They may not know how to redirect couples headed toward an argument, or assist couples with communicating effectively about conflict. They may not know to go underneath the content, identify the meaning this subject has, and address it at that level. Perhaps they don’t realize the need to develop good interactions that currently exist between them, such as friendship and intimacy, or recognize the importance of fondness and admiration in a healthy relationship. There are many skills necessary in treating couples versus treating individuals, so it is crucial to look for a specialist in couples work. Things to ask a potential therapist…

· Do you have specific training in marriage and relationships above and beyond your master’s degree?

· Do you hold a certification in one or more couples therapy methods, if so, which one(s)?

· Do you let couples argue during the session in order to see how they interact?

· Do you teach couples skills in communication and positive interactions?

Second, did you choose a therapist who uses an evidenced based approach? An evidenced based theory is one which has been thoroughly researched and shown to be effective. At Couples Therapy Center of NJ, we use the Gottman method, which is backed by decades of research by Doctors John & Julia Gottman to be effective with working with couples. One of Gottman’s key finding (that’s been replicated many times over in the literature on couples) is: couples need a ratio of 5 positive to every 1 negative emotion expressed during a conflict. The Gottman Method specifically addresses this by teaching couples to successfully repair a conflict and exit the negative-affect state early, before it becomes a problem. When choosing a therapist be sure to ask…

· Which couples therapy theory do you use?

· What is the research showing it’s effectiveness?

Third, did both people start the therapy willing to improve the relationship? For some couples, one client may be ambivalent about the relationship – not sure they want to repair things. In those cases, our therapists here help the couple to talk through their dynamics in a productive way and to identify what each person brings to the relationship (the good and the bad). It is through this process of exploration that the couple comes to their own conclusion about whether they want to repair and stay together. For other couples, one partner is already ‘checked out’ of the relationship and intends to divorce. In their mind, that partner wants to be able to say “We tried everything to save the marriage – even couples counseling.” In these instances, no amount of skill on the part of the therapist or research done on the therapy style can overcome an unwilling client. At our center, during the first meeting, we ask each partner to say what results they’re hoping for from couples therapy. It becomes clear at this point what each person’s agenda is. If the couple is ambivalent but agrees to continue couples meetings, the focus changes to improving their ability to communicate and how to help their children. When choosing a therapist, ask…

· How do you handle if one partner is ambivalent about the relationship?

· What if my partner says they don’t want to repair things?

If you had a bad experience in couples therapy, we feel for you and hope that asking yourself these questions gave you more insight into that process. We hope you’ll consider this process again, this time being sure to ask the above questions of a future therapist. Ultimately, couples therapy can be an experience that leads to incredible growth and happiness in your relationship. If you want to work with therapists who specialize in relationships, please reach out to us at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or 908-246-3074.

Broadening Our Definition of Sex

November 12, 2019 by admin in Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

How do you define ‘sex’? Is it when one or both partners orgasm? For heterosexual couples, PIV only? How about oral sex, mutual masturbation, or sexting – does that ‘count’? Over the years of working with couples, we have heard many partners express feeling unfulfilled with their sex life. If a partner brings this up in session, we dig deeper as to what is causing the dissatisfaction. For many couples, one partner wants sex more frequently. In other couples, one partner is dissatisfied with the level of intimacy and love expressed during sex – as if their partner is there just to get off.

But, one consistent finding is that HOW each partner defines sex can be an issue in and of itself – adding to the perception that it’s unfulfilling.

In helping each partner to understand this better, we ask “How do you define sex”? Very often, for heterosexual couples the person says (using their own language) vaginal penetration with a penis. They may have a partner who defines sex to include other forms of contact, even sexting when one partner is away. But what if sex is any contact (physical or not) that’s both pleasurable and connecting? Here’s how broadening one’s definition of sex to any contact that’s both pleasurable and connecting can help a couple.

It relaxes pressure to perform. Men can feel pressure to get and maintain an erection and ejaculate in an amount of time that’s satisfying for both persons. If sex is not only defined by vaginal penetration, men can feel more relaxed and comfortable knowing that they are providing the intimacy their partner is looking for, even without a long-lasting or firm enough erection.
It allows both persons to let go of orgasm being the ‘goal’ of the encounter. Ironically, letting go of that ‘goal’ is sometimes what’s needed for orgasm to happen! Instead, be relaxed and in the moment noticing physical sensations, sights, sounds, and the scent of one’s partner. If the goal is simply to feel pleasure and connection, so many activities can help you achieve this with your partner, with or without orgasm.
It creates more opportunities for connection if more things ‘count’. If pleasurable contact (such as massage, hair brushing, showering together, sexy talk on the phone, sending a racy photo, masturbating in the presence of one’s partner) are part of this broader definition of sex, partners can come to see their sex life in a more positive light. They can also come to feel that it is more vibrant and fun and intimate than they previously thought.
It highlights the moments in a relationship that do contain love, fondness, play and/or intimacy. While we tend to notice, remember, and even stay focused on the negative moments in our relationship, it is crucial to focus on the positives as well. With a broadened definition of sex, you will likely find you are having more positive interactions to focus on. When we are grateful for what we do have, that builds upon itself and inspires more pleasurable connections.

Broadening our definition of sex can have the effect of creating more intimate moments and increase satisfaction with the relationship as a whole. If you are struggling and feeling unfulfilled with your sex life, please contact us at 908-246-3074 , or email us at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to schedule an appointment. Can’t get your partner to come in with you? Schedule an individual appointment for yourself. Good things can happen in a relationship even when only one person is in therapy. Remember: we help couples AND individuals to improve their relationships.

Solving The Most Common Relationship Issues: We Argue Over Every Little Thing

September 30, 2019 by admin in Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized | Comments Off

Does this scenario sound familiar in your relationship–you and your partner are having a great time spending quality time together on a rare kid-free day. You begin talking about how the kids are doing in school and suddenly you begin disagreeing about how to handle a situation that arose with a teacher. The disagreement escalates, and before you know it, there are raised voices, angry words and a perfectly good day feels ruined. Do you feel that you and your partner are stuck in this pattern of constant arguing and bickering-even over things that feel minor?

Contrary to what may be popular belief, arguing is not a bad thing. Actually, as a couples counselor, it raises a red flag to me when a couple will tell me “We never fight.” That may let me know that the couple is avoiding discussing any conflict or differences due to fear of those discussions escalating into fights. Conflict is a natural part of every relationship. When you have two people with different backgrounds, perspectives and personalities trying to navigate through the many hurdles of a relationship, of course there will be conflict along the way. And these conflicts will likely lead to arguments at times. So, the arguing itself is not the problem; but the WAY you argue and manage your conflict may be!

If you find your relationship is plagued with constant bickering, here are some tips that may help in managing the conflict.

Share opinions respectfully-You likely will disagree on a lot of subjects and that is okay. Share your “side” in a way that doesn’t indicate blame or attack. Use “I” statements to focus on your thoughts and feelings on the subject. It may seem like a minor difference but beginning with the word “you” will automatically feel like attack towards your partner. Think of the difference in the way this sentence would be heard and perceived: “You are so lazy. Why can’t you load the dishwasher correctly!” VS. “I would find it helpful if the silverware was loaded facing out so they don’t need to be rewashed.”
Stay focused on the present subject-How often do you and your partner start out arguing about one subject, and suddenly you are each bringing up grievances from long ago? It is common to want to use what we perceive as past mistakes for “evidence”, and suddenly we are arguing about something that happened years ago. The problem with this is people cannot effectively resolve several issues in one discussion. Limit your talk to just one occurrence or item.
Don’t try to WIN- In other words, allow for the possibility that you may still disagree. Instead, the goal should be increased understanding of your partner and and vise versa. Not every problem is solvable and that is okay! While there may be some conflicts that require an ultimate resolution, many of our day to day conflicts will never be resolved. Instead of arguing to “win”, work to give your opinions and feelings in as calm and neutral manner as you can. When listening, be curious about your partner’s opinions and feelings. This skill sets the two of you up as not adversaries, but allies working to find a commonality. This skill, employed consistently, increases the likelihood of coming to a solution you both feel okay about.
Acceptance-In the end, accepting that our partner is a different person than us is crucial to managing any conflict. The two of you grew up in different families with different rules of engagement and maybe different values. At its most mature level, love is accepting another human, as is – faults and all.

Managing conflict can be one of the toughest challenges in a relationship, but learning these skills can allow you to do so in an effective way that helps bring you even closer to your partner! For more information or help with these skills, please contact us at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or at 908-246-3074.

Solving the Most Common Relationship Issues: My Partner Doesn’t Emotionally Support Me

July 18, 2019 by admin in Emotions, Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

Does this situation sound familiar to you? You have a terrible day at work, which includes making a mistake your boss noticed and having a disagreement with a co-worker. You come home feeling exhausted, frustrated, and concerned about your job security. You can’t wait to talk to your partner about your bad day so they can make you feel better. But as you relay your experience, you are met with “you’re just overreacting and feeling worried for nothing. Stop being crazy, it will be fine.” If this experience sounds familiar, you aren’t alone. Many couples are struggling to meet their partner’s emotional needs. Often, it isn’t coming from a place of bad intentions, but rather lack of knowledge.

Think about what we learn about emotions from our culture. People are expected to be one of two things-neutral or happy of course! But the reality is, as humans, we can all feel a wide spectrum of emotions -sadness, fear, disappointment , frustration…just to name a few. It can be hard to see someone we love feeling these difficult emotions. We want our partner to be happy. How can couples respond in a way that’s emotionally supportive?

-Moderate Your Own Emotions-While we want our partner to support us, as mature adults we are responsible for managing our own emotions. If you are feeling highly escalated, think about some ways you can bring yourself back down to a calmer place before approaching your partner. Take a walk, listen to some soothing music, pet the dog-whatever activity helps deescalate you. Once you are feeling calmer, you will be in a better place to seek the support you need from your partner.

-Be clear with your needs-It’s easy to feel confused at times about what exactly your partner needs from you when they vent about their emotions. I know in my marriage there are times when I simply want to “vent” without any advice from my partner, but there are times I am seeking his advice. When I became frustrated with him for doing the wrong thing, he once said to me “well how am I supposed to know if this is one of the times you just need to vent?” Great question! Let your partner know how exactly they can emotionally support you. Be clear in your communication with phrases like “I just want someone to give me a hug and tell me they’re sorry I’m feeling sad.”

-Validate each other-The skill of validation is a tough one, but one of the most important ones you will use in a healthy relationship. Validation is simply saying to someone “you make sense to me.” Often, we do the opposite. We invalidate each other’s feelings with statements like “you are just being crazy” or “you worry too much”. This happens because we wouldn’t feel that way if we were in that situation. But validation does not equal agreement! While you may not feel that emotion in that particular situation, that doesn’t mean it isn’t a valid emotion for your partner. Knowing that your partner has their own lens with which they view the world, try to understand that they have a different perspective and are entitled to their own feelings. The more you can validate your partner, the more likely your partner is to feel emotionally supported (and the more likely you are to receive it in return).

Learning how to be an emotionally supportive partner and learning how to seek the support you need are crucial skills for staying connected to your partner! For more information, or help with these skills, contact us for an appointment at 908-246-3074 or getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

The Professional Couple

March 28, 2019 by admin in Marriage, Relationships, Therapist | Comments Off

Have you ever wondered: Will therapy work for me? Can our issues be helped with counseling? We’re going to focus on two types of clients who get A LOT out of working with us: the professional couple and the professional ‘single’.

Do you see yourself in the professional couple?

-One or both of you have a strong career(s)

-Your children are high achievers

-Your active with friends, neighbors or at their club

-You have a beautiful home

-Things look ‘perfect’ from the outside, but behind closed doors there is tension or distance

Perhaps others see you as “having it all”, with work success, a lot of friends, nice vacations and wonderful children. But behind closed doors tend to be a different story. As a couple, you are distant from one another, constantly arguing or alternating between the two. Maybe you’ve thought about divorce or developed a “too close” relationship with another person. Perhaps one or both of you lay awake with anxiety. You wonder why, if you have ‘everything’, are you still unhappy?

Very often, you may begin to realize that while you’ve have been putting a lot of time and effort into other things- careers, families or even your social lives-you have stopped making your relationship a priority. The distance that’s evolved between you and your partner wasn’t intentional. You did love one another very much at one time and maybe one or both can still feel that love between you from time to time.

In working with us, you will learn to resolve differences in a healthy way, to renew love and intimacy, and to enjoy each other’s company once again. The result is a relationship with more connection, more and better sex, and a deeper, stronger friendship. Equally important, if you have children, they are now growing up in a happier, healthier home.

If you can relate to some of the struggles of these types of clients, or are interested in achieving some of these results, email us at getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com , or call us at (908) 246-3074 to schedule an appointment. Don’t fit these descriptions exactly, that’s fine. We do a phone chat prior to scheduling to determine how we can be of service.

8 Demands on Marriage That Contribute to Divorce

February 25, 2019 by admin in Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized | Comments Off

Might you have unrealistic expectations for your relationship that are leaving you feeling disappointed in your partner? In general in our culture, we have the expectation that our marriage should meet a wide variety of our needs. Think about the messages we are consistently exposed to whether they come from television shows, romantic novels or what we see from other people on social media. There are eight needs that we are continually expecting our partners to meet. Consider that we are told our partners should…

be our best friend
be a good financial provider
participate in household responsibilities like cooking and cleaning
be a good parent
support us in pursuit of our goals
be our romantic partner
be our erotic partner
be a source of security and stability.

That is a tall order! Believing that any one person can fulfill all those needs for us is a recipe for disappointment! Having these expectations is often leaving us let down by our partners when they fail to meet all these needs. It even leads to thinking that the grass is greener if we move on to another relationship with a ‘better partner’.

Think back to what you may heard about why people married generations ago. People may have married to join two families and make a political alliance. People may have married a partner who was a good worker and knew they would run the family business or family farm well together. People married to procreate. They certainly didn’t expect their partner would meet all these eight needs.

With this information about expectations, ask yourself two questions.

First, how can you accept your partner as is? How can you accept them knowing they have certain strengths, but also certain weaknesses?

Secondly, how can you strengthen your network and your support system around you so that you do have these various eight needs met, but without unrealistically demanding them from any one person?

We hope asking yourself these questions will challenge you to think differently about your marriage. If you would like help thinking differently about your marriage, call us at 908-246-3074, or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to schedule an appointment with one of our relationship experts.

It IS Possible to Heal After an Affair!

December 12, 2018 by admin in Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

Have you ever heard someone declare “If my partner ever had an affair, our relationship would be over. I would be done!”? Although that’s easy to say, in reality, if you are the one in that situation, it is a lot more complicated, especially if there are children involved. At Couples Therapy Center of NJ, we help couples to figure out if repair and healing is even possible.

When there’s been infidelity, it’s our job to get them through the initial intensity of the revelation and to evaluate whether this relationship is salvageable. We use a three step approach that focuses first on the present, second on the past, and third on the future:

We help the couple deal with intense emotions that they are feeling in the present. An affair brings on many difficult emotions in the relationship, including rage, grief, confusion, guilt and shame. Navigating these intense emotions is an important step in stabilizing the relationship. Stabilization is critical in order for the couple to move to the next step.
We guide couples in looking at the history of the relationship. The purpose is to examine, and learn from, what may have led up to the affair. In this stage, couples make amends and begin healing this huge rupture. If both partners are willing to acknowledge their contributions to the relationship, they can actually grow from this painful experience. It’s not our job to point fingers and lay blame. Instead, we help the couple take ownership of their past behaviors which, in turn, shines a light on what needs to be different going forward.
We focus couples on the future. With our tools and techniques, they co-create a better and stronger relationship. Both partners work on what they need to do differently to rebuild trust and closeness. Often couples who come to our office will say “We just want to go back to the way things were.” Our response is that we would like to help them go forward and not backwards because something about your past lead to the infidelity. We seek to change the dysfunctional pieces together so trust is rebuilt and this never happens again.

It is possible to heal after an affair, and we have helped many couples through this process and onto a better, stronger relationship. Plus, these couples have been able to spare their kids from a painful divorce. If you’d like our help, call us at 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com to set an appointment with one of our relationship experts.

How To Argue Less About Sex and Enjoy it More

July 20, 2018 by admin in Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

Ask any couple- what is the most frequent source of arguments in relationships? We have all heard it before; what do couples fight about-money and sex! While this may be a true statement and there may be a lot of fighting happening around your sex life, sex and intimacy can be one of the best parts of your relationship. While it can provide us with the obvious physical connection and pleasure, sex has the added benefit of allowing you to feel more emotionally connected, and can be a great way to express your love and passion for each other. It can also be a great source of fun in our relationship! So, how do we prevent sex from becoming something that we battle about?

Worry more about quality vs. quantity-We often get hung up on quantity and the “magic number” of times to have sex in a week that makes for a good sex life. While there may be some discrepancy between you and your partner as to how often is “enough”, try to focus on finding a happy medium and then pay attention to the quality. Notice- are you both having fun during sex, or just going through the motions because you need to get in a certain number of times a week? If you and your partner are enjoying your time together, having fun and feeling satisfied, (both physically and emotionally!) after sex, then take the pressure off the burning question “how often should we be having sex?” Another key to this is to not compare your sex lives to others. It can be easy to feel like your own sex life is “bad” if your friends are having twice as much sex in their relationships. But remember, every couple is different, they may be making it sound better (or worse) than it really is, and your satisfaction shouldn’t be based on anything but your own relationship.
Think outside the box-We can all remember that wonderful time at the beginning of our relationship when sex was amazing-spontaneous, frequent and filled with passion. But, the reality is that as we progress through stages of relationships and out of “Romantic Love” and stressors such as work and family start to impact our relationship, sex often turns into something routine. Be creative with timing. Couples with busy lives often feel they have no choice but to wait until the very end of the day, leaving them tired and more interested in zoning in front of the television or sleeping than having sex at that point. While it may be hard to “squeeze” in sex in between work, chores and taking care of your kids, think about times when you can get creative. Take advantage of napping kids, a fun break from chores, or some after dinner fun if the kids are occupied with their own activities.
Let’s talk about sex-Communicating with your partner about this topic may be difficult. Although your partner is someone you likely share the most intimate of thoughts with, not all of us feel comfortable talking about sex. While it may feel awkward, as with most things in our relationships, communication is key! The more we can share our likes and dislikes with our partner, the more satisfied we are likely to be. And, as with most things, the more we do talk about it, the more comfortable we are likely to get. As an added bonus, the intimacy you can feel from just having these discussions and sharing your desires can provide a feeling of emotional connection that can be just as good as the connection you get from the act itself.
Focus on more fun and less romance-When we read books and watch movies, we often see that sex is all about the romance. We are bombarded with scenes of candlelit bedrooms or steamy sex in the shower. Romance is certainly great and we all crave that at times, but sometimes we get so caught in trying to be romantic, that we forget that sex should also be fun! Remember that is okay to talk during sex and suggest something that might be different and fun for you. And it’s even okay to laugh during sex if things don’t go exactly as planned! I once had a couple tell me “I knew our sex life was good when we could both start cracking up while we were having sex.”
Make sex a time for togetherness rather than achieving a “goal” – In movies and on TV, it seems that sex always includes intercourse and both partners always have an orgasm. In real life, that’s not the case. If you believe that for sex to “count”, you both have to have to climax, that can put subtle pressure on one or both of you. Instead, broaden your definition of “sex”. It could include togetherness, touching, playing, arousal, laughing, role playing, and/or closeness but not necessarily an orgasm. If orgasm(s) happen, great. If they don’t, that’s okay too. If you don’t make that the unstated “goal” of sex, you’ll be more relaxed. Let whatever happens, happen (as long as you both consent) because the real purpose is togetherness and connection.

If you need help reconnecting and bringing the intimacy back in your relationship, contact us at getsupport@therapycenterofnj.com or 908-246-3074.

Mindfulness in Relationships: Advanced Couples Techniques

May 15, 2018 by admin in Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

Mindfulness has been a buzzword lately. It means being in the present moment – noticing where you are, what’s around you and what you’re feeling. It’s being aware of what’s right here, right now without judgment, without wishing it were different in some big or small way.

I’m going to show you how mindfulness applies to relationships, but first let’s start with some examples of the opposite of mindfulness. Not being mindful would be thinking about (and perhaps, regretting) the past or planning (and perhaps, anxious about) the future. You might be staying in the present, but instead of taking it for what it is, be caught up in your own narrative (or the meaning you make of) the present event. It can be distraction, only half paying attention or wishing this moment was over to get to the next moment. Pause to consider how often you may do that last one. It could be begrudgingly loading the dishwasher so you can ‘get to’ sitting on the couch, or wishing you weren’t standing on line and you were already at the counter, or watching the clock at work so you can ‘get to’ the end of the day. All these are examples of ways we can individually not be mindful.

In my work with couples, I’ve expanded the concept of mindfulness to apply to relationships. It’s an advanced concept because it stretches people not only to be present in the moment with their partner, but to do so without judgment of one’s partner. Judgment here means longing for them or the situation to be different in some big or small way.

One type of the opposite of mindfulness in relationships is wishing your partner was different in behavior or character. Here are some examples: You and your partner are sitting on the back deck sipping wine together but you’re wishing he/she would talk more. You and your partner are texting while at work and you wish he/she would send you loving/sexy texts without being prompted. You’re affectionate and like having sex but dislike that it only happens if you initiate. Your partner makes a nice dinner but burns the garlic bread. You think your partner works too much, talks to much, eats too much and so on. All these are examples of wanting him/her to be/do something else than they are presently.

Another type of the opposite of mindfulness in relationships is being caught up in your own narrative, or your interpretation of the present event. Here are examples of this: Your partner says they don’t have time today to investigate a billing error you found and you say to yourself “She never makes time for things that take effort.” Your partner forgets something important you told her and you say to yourself “She never pays attention when I tell her something.” Your partner is out for the evening and doesn’t return your text and you say to yourself “I wonder who she’s really with.” All these are examples of not taking what your partner is saying or doing at face value, but instead allowing your thinking to layer on a story, or narrative, over it. Often, this thinking comes from past occurrences (you’re bringing the past into the present moment) or from future concerns (bringing the future into the present moment).

What if you could be in the present moment in interactions with your partner without judgment and without bringing in the past or future? It would mean you’re accepting of him/her as they are right now – an imperfect human being (as we all are). You would be aware of, and okay with, what IS occurring rather than what (according to you) SHOULD BE occurring. This is, of course, excluding abuse. I’m not implying you should be okay with being abused. Putting that aside, mindfulness in relationships would mean noticing what your partner is doing or saying right here and right now and being at peace with it. You would feel centered and calm with the current reality because you are no longer wrestling against it (either silently or aloud). This would require you to find your center and your sense of peace in order to handle what life (and your partner) presents in that moment. In other words, if you are able to say calm and focused in the present, it will be easier to accept your partner’s actions or words, simply for what they are.

It’s important to remember that being mindful does not negate that you still may have specific needs you would like your partner to meet. You can still make requests of your partner. The purpose of marriage is to grow into our best selves and (if we’re not too highly defended) our partner can be our best critic because they know us very well and still love us. You can both continue to ask for what you’re needing and wanting, but the key is to be okay if your partner cannot, or is not yet ready to, give that. They might be ready in the future, but for now, you can be in the present moment with him/her without judgment. Think of what a gift this would be to your relationship – to love and accept one another as we are now. It’s what we’re all longing for as humans – to be known and, despite having faults, still loved.

Don’t Avoid Fights—Just Fight Fairly!

April 16, 2018 by admin in Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized | Comments Off

We’ve all been in this scenario with our partner-we get angry over something they’ve done (or not done) and we approach our partner with our anger. It’s likely we have the expectation that they will understand why we are upset, apologize and all will be right again. But how often does this scenario take place instead? Our partner reacts to our anger with their own, comes back at us with defensiveness, and suddenly a full-blown argument is taking place. Maybe it includes yelling, maybe it includes mean things said in anger—but it is likely that the result is hurt feelings and resentment. Over time, if these types of fights are occurring frequently, they can be very damaging to a relationship as the anger and resentment will only keep building!

So, how do we avoid these damaging fights? Some couples feel they should avoid fighting altogether. They may be very uncomfortable with confrontation and conflict, and therefore tend to not express any unhappiness with their partner. This extreme can lend itself to damage down the road as well. If we always bottled up our emotions, they are highly likely to come out at some point in an unhealthy way. Consider a bottle that you keep stuffing things in and trying to put a cork on it. Eventually the cork is going to pop if the bottle gets too filled!

So, knowing that avoiding all arguing is unhealthy, how do we have fights that are fair, healthy and, very importantly, productive?

-Stay on topic! How often have you start fighting over one subject and suddenly your partner is bringing up things from years past? It is easy to get caught up in throwing things at your partner that have happened and listing every injustice you feel you have ever suffered. Unfortunately, this tends to lead to more anger and can easily escalate a fight. In addition, we tend not to resolve the current issue when we lose focus on it and begin arguing about related topics. Do your best to stay on the topic that needs to be discussed and work on reminding each other to refocus if one partner is beginning to stray to the past.

-Try to move towards compromise! As competitive beings, many of us often focus on “winning” the argument. Often, this leads to our pride getting in the way of focusing on a better outcome-resolving the fight in fair and effective way that leaves both individuals feeling that they’ve been heard and understood. There are going to be times when the outcome does need to be ‘let’s agree to disagree’ and that is okay. But, often if we stay open to compromise, the two of you will feel closer to one another during the discussion thus making a good outcome more likely.

-Avoid labeling and blaming! When our own anger is met with defensiveness, it is likely because we are explaining ourselves to our partner by assigning blame. In addition, when we use labels, you are adding to the blame by giving the impression that the person is completely at fault. For example, if you are angry that they are not helping around the house as much as you’d like, a simple statement such as “you’re so lazy” sets the argument up for disaster! The label implies that it is more than just their behavior that you don’t like, but them as a whole. This of course will bring on defensives, which almost always will escalate the argument. Instead, try to use “I” statements, describe how the person’s behavior makes you feel and make a specific request. If you approached your partner in the above scenario with the statement, “I am feeling overwhelmed and would really appreciate if you cleaned up the kitchen after dinner”, you are so much more likely to get a positive response.

It is important to remember that arguing is not only a part of every relationship, but can be healthy because it means we are expressing our true feelings to our partner and opening up the possibility for working effectively together. Learning to fight fair is a skill that many of us don’t have and a skill that takes practice. But this skill can go a long way in improving your relationship satisfaction and happiness. To learn more about how to fight fair, and other relationship skills, contact us to schedule an appointment at 908-246-3074, or getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

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