Focus on Family: Showing Love By Listening

March 17, 2014 by admin in Family | Leave a comment

Listening shows children we love them. As parents, we listen to our kids by paying attention to the words they are saying and by repeating back to them what we’ve heard them say. In Imago Therapy, this is called “mirroring.” Parents do this by saying, “What I heard you say was…” Parents can also help by remarking on what the child has said that makes sense to them. Listening, repeating, and understanding helps kids feel valued by their parents. There are times this is all that’s needed to help your child cope with something challenging.

As a parent myself, I have witnessed firsthand how listening and mirroring has helped my child. Once on vacation, my daughter wanted us to buy her a hermit crab after her friend got one. My first thought was, “Oh no, not another pet to clean up after.” I held that thought inside of me and said to my daughter and husband, “Let’s talk together about it tomorrow.” On our drive out of town, we took turns talking. My husband began by saying his thoughts. Then my daughter stated why she wanted a hermit crab: “We could buy it colored rocks and all we’d have to do is feed it. I REALLY, REALLY want one.” I mirrored her by saying, “I know you REALLY, REALLY want a hermit crab. I heard you say we could buy it colored rocks and all we would have to do is give it food. Did I get it?” She responded “Yes.” She added more and I mirrored that too. When it was my turn I told her that I understood her wish because I liked having a hermit crab as a pet when I was a child. Soon, we were onto a different subject. A few days passed. My husband and I realized that she hadn’t mentioned the hermit crab again. We were amazed because she had been so adamant! We were further amazed when she saw the friend with the hermit crab again and made no further mention of her wish for one as a pet.

What I realized was this: my daughter had felt heard and understood. And that was enough. By choosing not to say anything at first, I gave her the “space” to fully tell us how she saw things. She felt loved by us in this way. The content of her wish (wanting the hermit crab) wasn’t nearly as important as the process of being listened to. All children want their parents’ love and attention more than they want any material thing. Just as you do with your spouse, give your child the gift of being truly heard.

To schedule an appointment to learn more, call 908-246-3074 or email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

What Many Wives Don’t Know About Sex

February 20, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

Sex-in-Marriage Are you married to a loyal and loving partner who’s been asking you for more sex? Does the thought of more sex make you roll your eyes or leave you feeling completely uninspired? Often, in relationships, there are times when one partner has a higher sex drive than the other. In some cases, it is the woman who wants more intimacy in the bedroom, but many times, it is the man who is asking for more. There could be a deeper meaning underneath his wish that many wives don’t even consider: for true and caring men, sex can be the most important way they show and receive love.

For these men, sexual intimacy is their opportunity to be as close as possible to you. They may not show love as easily with words, gifts, or by doing things around the house. Instead, they may show their love sexually. They want to please you and see you excited and enjoying yourself. They want to share fun and playfulness and eroticism with you. They’ve been wanting YOU specifically; wanting access to you in a world in which you’re not preoccupied with the kids, your work, running the household, caring for elderly parents and any number of other responsibilities. They want all of you because they love you.

Because sex can be such an important expression of love to many men, it is important that you allow yourself the time to enjoy sex and alone time with your husband. It’s easy to say “no” or turn away from his advances. After all:

Is it going to take time away from the kids? Yes.
Is it going to take time away from taking care of the house? Yes.
Is it going to take time away from your other responsibilities? Yes.
Is it inconvenient and messy? Yes.
Does it lack the spontaneity it used to have? Yes.
Do you need to work harder at it to make it happen? Most likely, yes.

So, is it worth all the inconvenience? YES! All of these minor obstacles and inconveniences are easily overcome and the payoffs are HUGE.

If your husband feels connected to you, he’ll do most anything for you.
If you’re experiencing sex on a regular basis, you’ll feel happier and more relaxed.
You’ll like your body more because sex can be a reminder of the amazing ways it works and how good it can make you feel.

Perhaps most importantly, sex generates more closeness between the two of you. In turn, this generates a sense of partnership which generates a loving and fun attitude toward each other. When all of these things fall into place, the two of you feel like you can conquer any obstacle together, just like you felt when you first were attracted to one another.

To learn more, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

Sex in Marriage: Where Has The Passion Gone?

January 21, 2014 by admin in Emotions, Relationships, Therapist | Leave a comment

If you and your spouse have been together for some time, it’s possible that you’ve been having the same, uninspired sex for a while now: same positions, same day/time/place, same techniques. It may be enjoyable and comforting to be together, you may like the physical release, or both, but it’s definitely not as hot as when you first got together. This is fairly common and it’s a big disappointment for many, many couples. They are left wondering: where has the passion gone?

Then, add to the mix an attractive acquaintance, long-time friend, or even a stranger and you might find yourself becoming sexually aroused around someone other than the person you committed yourself to. Many people take this attraction to the next level and an affair starts. Even when there’s no affair, people are surprised they’ve become attracted to another person. Most people never intended that to happen. There are multiple reasons affairs can start. Perhaps…

your sexual needs weren’t being met in your marriage.
you were craving feeling wanted, desired, and sexy again.
you were angry at your spouse and wanted covert, or overt, revenge.
you liked who you were when you were with this other person.
it was scarier to allow yourself to be deeply vulnerable with your spouse than to have a more limited relationship.
it was scarier to deeply love and be loved by a long-term partner than to have a sex-only relationship.

Let’s go back to your primary partnership. The relationship with your long-term partner certainly didn’t start out this way. If you are like many couples, you probably were ecstatic being sexual together early in your relationship: tender, loving and on fire all at the same time. You were discovering your partner, his/her preferences, his/her body, and who this new person was. This mystery was exciting and sexy. Bridging your two worlds to connect was thrilling and hot.

But now, the intense, passionate sex has subsided with your spouse because she/he is familiar. A fellow Imago therapist, Esther Perel, describes this in her compellingly titled book, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic & the Domestic. And, no, it has nothing to do with the mating habits of apes living in zoos.

So how do we bring attraction and hot sex back into marriage?

Re-envision your partner as a mystery to be rediscovered.
Don’t assume you know all about your partner. Be curious about the sides of him/her that you don’t typically ask about.
Make a ‘sex date’ once a week for erotic touch or talk, not necessarily intercourse. Don’t discount this one. It makes your sex life at least as important as other parts of your lives together, which was likely the case at the beginning of your relationship when things were hot.
Remember that having a strong marriage is an essential part of being a good parent. Make sure you focus on your partner as well as your children.
Talk to your physician about any physical issues that may be interfering with sex.
Talk to your therapist about any emotions that may be interfering.

To learn more about how to pump up the passion and/or to work though an affair, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com.

Relationships: Finding Harmony, Even During Hardships

November 15, 2012 by admin in Emotions, Family, Relationships | Leave a comment

Every once in awhile, something unprecedented happens and we suddenly find ourselves out of our normal routine and dealing with either minor inconveniences or extreme difficulties caused by circumstances beyond our control. Many of us found ourselves in just such a situation recently when Hurricane Sandy blew through.

During the aftermath of the storm, our lives were disrupted. Most of our normal activities were put on hold. Families found themselves spending hour upon hour together with no one leaving for work or school and without the distractions of lights in other rooms, TV, Internet or phone. In addition, many found themselves living with extended family and friends who don’t normally live with them as they sheltered together to help cope with the storm’s destruction.

Extended time together, along with limited or no essentials such as water, heat, and electricity magnifies the normal family dynamics. If things are good, situations like this can help you pull together even more. If things are not so good, the additional stress can bring out the difficulties that were already brewing. Family patterns arise even more intensely under this type of stress. The same is true for couples.

If couples and families were working well together, it’s likely that there was harmony doing tasks like:

getting generators running
finding alternate ways to cook and stay warm
cleaning up together
helping loved ones and neighbors and those in hardest hit communities
taking on projects
identifying who is good at which task and divvying up chores
modeling for your children resiliency, gratitude, and philanthropy
increased sex/physical closeness

If there was discord, the tension likely got worse and included:

more arguing
more disagreements (about the big stuff AND the small stuff)
emotional distance

How can we ensure that we will work together when difficulties arise and avoid breaking apart? First, we need to recognize some things that are essential in order to have harmony in marriage:

know that your partner is different from you and value his/her strengths
have gratitude that this person is your partner in life
be able to ask clearly for what you want and, if your partner can’t give it, find another healthy way to get it
take good care of yourself
view your marriage as a source of strength, companionship, and passion rather than focusing on what’s lacking
nurture the relationship by asking, “What does the relationship need?” as opposed to “What do I need from this relationship?”
allow yourself to receive the love that your partner is already giving
know that the occasional argument/hurt/anger is normal even in healthy relationships – it’s your ability to repair afterwards which makes the difference.

Experiencing hardship can strain any relationship. Learning to find harmony in these situations and in your everyday life will help you weather hardships and grow together.

To learn more or to schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center, call 908-246-3074, email getsupport@couplestherapycenterofnj.com or go to www.couplestherapycenterofnj.com and use our online scheduler.

Sex: An Expression of Many Parts of Yourself

October 26, 2012 by admin in Emotions, Relationships | Leave a comment

If you’ve been with your partner a long time, it’s likely that your sex life is vastly different now than it used to be. Couples in long-term relationships tell me all the time that they’re having less (or no) sex, and that it’s plain vanilla – the same tried and true position, or quick and to the point because of the kids and schedules.

When I talk about ‘sex’ I’m including all types of intimate contact. This includes:

holding hands
back scratches
foot rubs
kissing
oral and anal sex
masterbation
intercourse

In other words, any interaction between consenting adults. People engage in sex for many different reasons:

adult play
stress relief
expression of power and aggression
expression of sexuality
physical relief
a ‘reset button’ (a means to repair after a conflict)
love and closeness

Sex is a form of play for adults. Think of the ways kids know instinctively how to play. They climb on the playground, have pillow fights, dress-up and role-play both tender and aggressive characters. Sex can be an adult-version of play which serves many purposes:

physical stimulation
role-play and fantasy
a chance to be aggressive
a chance to relax, laugh, and have fun.

Hearing that sex is a chance to be aggressive may surprise you. Many people, especially women, are uncomfortable with their aggressive side. By aggression during sex, I don’t mean abuse, shaming or forcing someone to do something they don’t want to. I mean a healthy expression of aggression like taking control, being on-top, and making sure to get your own needs met. Sexual play gives us the chance to explore and express this assertive and powerful side of ourselves.

On the other side is passivity and submission. Again, I’m not talking about being unwantedly intruded upon or forced to do something you’re not into. Healthy passivity is allowing yourself to lay back, to receive pleasure, to let go emotionally and physically, to be held, and to receive love. Often it’s men who are uncomfortable with this side of themselves. Many times, if men are conflicted about this side of themselves they don’t allow it to be seen elsewhere and the only time they allow it to show up is during sex when they’re in connection with someone they trust.

Other people do the opposite: they only feel comfortable acting out these conflicted sides of themselves with a total stranger or someone they know they’ll never see again. If you’ve done this, I invite you to consider sharing this side of yourself with your long-term partner. Find the courage to let your partner know about these other sides of you. It can be highly erotic to discover something new about someone you’ve been with for a long time and thought you knew fully. Take it slowly until you know it’s safe emotionally. You could begin simply by telling your partner what you’d like or showing them without words. If you’re scared, preface it with “Please don’t laugh at me, but there’s something I’ve been thinking about…” Who knows, maybe the two of you will end up laughing together to relieve the tension. Maybe it will be a big hit – the new thing! Or maybe a big flop. The expression and the exploration is the best part here.

Sex with a long-term partner can be a safe place for all different aspects of ourselves to be expressed, explored, and played with. I keep choosing words with double meanings – DO take this both ways! Just talking about sex should be fun and playful.

Using sex to express other sides of yourself in the safety of someone you trust, even if you expresses things that don’t seem to be what men and women are typically ‘supposed to’ like, is good and healthy and normal. It’s an intimacy builder and a form of adult play. And we all need more play in our lives!

Receiving Love From Your Partner: It May Be Closer Than You Think

February 6, 2012 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Does the love/caring seem to be missing from your relationship?

Do you suspect that you both still love each other even though you don’t show it?

Many couples still have love between them even though it may not be apparent on a daily basis. In so many relationships, the love is buried under layers and layers of unresolved issues. If you look really hard you can see it, even if the only evidence is that your partner is still with you, contributes financially or loves your kids. If deep down you still love and care about your spouse, but lately all you see are the hurts between you, we can help.

In our intimate relationship, both joy and hurt are part of the journey. Yet it is our natural reaction to pull away from the things that hurt us, whether they are physical or emotional. Although it is extremely scary to be vulnerable to these hurts, the alternative is even worse: isolation. While others can’t hurt us when we isolate ourselves, we also are not open to the love and caring that is being shown to us. This is a profound paradox. Our hearts are protected, but they are also closed to receiving love.

So, how do we open ourselves to love in a relationship that sometimes hurts? We must uncover the love that has been buried. Start by recognizing it. The love may be difficult to see, but it is likely that there are ways your spouse is expressing it in her or his own way. It may be directly or indirectly shown through:

Saying “I love you”
Spending time with you
Buying gifts or small trinkets when he/she is thinking of you
Doing a task for you such as making your coffee just the way you like it
Going to work everyday
Being a good parent to your children
Making love to you

Allow yourself to notice the things he/she is doing or has done that communicate his/her love. Be mindful that his/her way of showing you love may be quite different from your way of showing love. Acknowledge the goodness that exists right here and now. It is closer than you think. By opening yourself to love, you will feel the divine joy and closeness that you deserve. And what greater pleasure is there on this journey than to love and be loved?

To learn how to open yourself to receiving love, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Share Your Passion: Teach Your Children To Love What You Love

January 14, 2012 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

What is it you love to do? Are you passionate about a sport, hobby, career or music? As parents, we want our kids to love the same things we do. We want them to experience the same joy we experience. Is there a way to make this happen? Can we teach our children to share our passion for something?

It’s likely that you know someone with his/her own passion who has been unable to get his/her kids involved. Maybe the child refuses to try. Or maybe the child participates, and even excels, at something the parents love, but doesn’t really feel any passion for it him/herself. The child might only participate because he/she has been pressured into it or feels it’s one way to get attention and praise.

That’s not what we want for our children. We expose them to the sport or hobby we are passionate about with good intentions: to share our excitement and joy with them. We long for them to feel the same enthusiasm that we do. We want them to incorporate this into their lives as they grow into adulthood. And naturally, we want them to excel at it, to go beyond the limits we reached ourselves.

We cultivate in our children a love for something by making it fun for them. We can do this by ensuring that there’s no pressure to perform or excel in competition. We can help them enjoy the learning process and teach them it’s okay to make mistakes. We should allow kids to experience our hobby the way that they naturally do, even though this might not necessarily be our way. It’s important to put aside your own agenda and goals. Really notice what your kids are experiencing and respond:

Is your child relaxed and laughing? Great, continue.
Is your child getting stressed or tense? Ask them what help they need and do your best to give it to them.
Does your child need a break? Then, by all means, take a break! This is not a race or competition.

Your goal at this early stage isn’t to develop her/him into a world class athlete or musician. Your goal is to grow your child’s love for this activity.

If teaching your child has been challenging at times, hire someone else to teach him/her. Enroll your child in a class or program with other children the same age. You don’t have to be the teacher, you only have to expose your child to it and make it a fun experience.

To make things fun for your children, you must also be connected with them. When I say connect with your child, I’m talking about sharing in his/her small accomplishments with enthusiasm, not criticism. Don’t focus on what needs to be done differently. You want them to feel happy, curious, and eager to try. Here’s how to connect with your child’s learning experience:

Notice and comment on times your child is trying his/her best.
Give praise when a task is performed correctly.
Do the activity yourself so you can model how much happiness this brings you.
Attend and watch practices and performance.
Don’t check email while you are there.
Don’t just drop off and pick up.

Showing interest in your child’s learning experience will show him/her your love for this endeavor and will also show your love for him/her.

To learn how to grow your child’s interests without pushing them too hard, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Open to Love: Freeing Yourself From Being Protected, yet Isolated

December 14, 2011 by admin in Emotions | Leave a comment

Let me tell you a story I heard from a gifted Imago therapist and trainer named Maya Kollman. The story is about a woman who loves walking on the beach. The woman’s bare feet sink into the warm sand with each step. Without shoes, she feels free and natural. The woman walks like this every day, until she steps on a sharp shell and cuts her foot. The woman is surprised. Her foot is bleeding and it hurts. The next time she walks on the beach, she wears flip-flops to protect her feet from shells. After several days, the side of her foot brushes against a beached jellyfish. The woman’s foot stings and itches. So, the next time she walks on the beach the woman wears sneakers. This works for several days, until the woman stubs her toe on the rocks of the jetty. Frustrated, the woman decides to wear boots for her walks on the sand. She has been hurt so many times and she has finally found a way to keep her feet safe. However, the woman has become so concerned with protecting her feet that she has lost the wonderful experience of feeling the sand beneath her feet and between her toes. She misses feeling the texture, coarse and dry or silky and cool, and she misses feeling the connection to nature. Read More

The Importance of Sex in Marriage

November 14, 2011 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Remember the intensity of sex at the beginning of your relationship? Sex was fun, passionate and, likely, more frequent than it is now. The fact that this romantic stage of relationship fades is a normal, and certainly disappointing, course of a committed relationship. Once the intensity wears off or the frequency dies down, you may view sex any number of ways: as something you miss, something you no longer have the time or desire for, or something you’re relieved not to have to do. Read More

Vulnerable Language: An Important Way to Connect With Loved Ones

October 23, 2011 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

It is so easy to be careless with our words, even though words have tremendous power to either connect us or distance us from others. Choosing words more carefully can improve communication and result in a closer connection with those we love. A more careful way of communicating is by using Vulnerable Language. Using Vulnerable Language means using words that show our true thoughts and feelings to the listener.

We are vulnerable when we use feeling words such as, “I felt (happy, hurt, scared) when …” Speaking these words allows the listener to see into our internal world. Sharing our feelings with those who respect us can increase closeness and encourage true understanding. However, not every feeling word is vulnerable. Some feeling words, like anger and frustration, are not vulnerable because they keep us distant from the listener. Read More

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