Health and Marriage: How Caring For Your Body Can Enhance Your Relationship

May 15, 2012 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Do you find that you are often sleepy, exhausted, or just plain out of energy? Do you feel insecure about your body and uncomfortable about being naked in front of your partner? Do you wish that you and your partner shared an activity that would help you both improve your health AND give you a chance to talk and connect?

Your body needs care. This is a fact that you cannot ignore. People who do not care for their bodies properly often end up with illness, injury, or their body breaking down. We often put the things we “should” do to keep our bodies healthy last on our list of priorities. After all, there are only so many hours in a day and we have many other important things to tend to. But, for the sake of your health AND your relationship, it’s essential that you don’t ignore your body

Getting the exercise you need to stay healthy doesn’t have to feel like blood, sweat and tears. It doesn’t mean you have to lift weights in a sweaty gym or run your heart rate up so high that you feel like your heart is going to burst out of your chest – unless you like that – and there are people who do!

My guess is that all people who exercise long-term do so not just for the health benefits, but also because they enjoy it. That’s the key to making your workout a permanent part of your lifestyle: finding some way to move your body that you enjoy. What would make working out more fun for you? Here are a few ideas:

Take a class to improve your skills or learn something new.
Is there a sport you like? Check out your recreation department or YMCA for adult teams/leagues.
Hire a personal trainer to work out with you both, together. (This can be a great source of shared laughter!)
Find a way to work out with your spouse. Reminisce about ways you used to exercise together when you first fell in love and find ways to do them again.
Think back to which healthy activities you loved to do as a kid and incorporate them into your routine.
If there’s a sport your kids compete in, look for ways you can get more involved.
Remember that sex is a form of exercise. Are you having the type and frequency of sex you most enjoy or is there a need to communicate with your partner to make it better?

When trying something new or just beginning a workout routine, start small. You want these healthy changes to last, so that they become an enjoyable part of your life, rather than a burden.

Being healthy can have many positive effects on your relationship such as:

feeling better about being naked together
being more sexually responsive
feeling more energetic and adventurous
spending time together playing, having fun, and talking
reduced medical expenses which leads to more money for saving and playing.

You’ll improve your health AND your relationship. Couples Therapy Center of NJ can help you discover new ways to get healthy together. We have resources for area fitness centers, physical trainers, nutrition experts, and medical weight loss centers. And, as always, we can help you improve your connection with one another as you incorporate this new activity into your lives.

To learn more about how we can help, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

How Saying ‘No’ to Others Can Mean Saying ‘Yes’ to You and Your Relationship

February 21, 2012 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Your boss asks – or rather pressures – you to work this weekend. A deadline is quickly approaching and your contribution is crucial. But, you already had plans with your family. You feel stuck choosing between your job and your family.

Your parents or in-laws seem to make plans for you most weekends. It’s either some social function, asking you to help them at their house or just expecting your company. You wonder why your time has come to be determined by other people.

It can be hard to say ‘no’. Life presents many requests and demands on our time: career, household, parents, kids, in-laws, committees, groups – the list goes on and on. When you say ‘yes’ but really wanted to say ‘no’, you often end up feeling guilty, defeated and resentful. Sometimes even signing up for the fun things we WANT to do can leave us feeling overwhelmed!

So, how do you say ‘no’?

First, you (and your spouse if you’re married) must create time to reflect on what is truly important to you. Before you can live the life you long to have, first you have to create it in your minds. Then, write it down. Once you have this mission statement in writing, it will serve as a guide for making everyday decisions.

What do you value?
Where do you want to invest your time and energy?
What brings you joy and meaning?

Second, notice your initial, gut reaction when someone makes a request of you. Your very first feeling can be very telling.

Does your heart sink?
Do you feel inspired and excited?
Do you dread telling your spouse?
Are you eager to tell you spouse?

Third, learn the ‘YES, NO, YES’ response. Use this when want to say ‘no’ but are finding it difficult. The first ‘YES’ is about being true to what you (and your spouse) really value. When you are asked to do something, go back to your mission statement. If your boss is asking you to work this weekend but you have plans with your family, see what’s in your mission statement about this. Does it say, “We spend time together as a family doing what we all enjoy”? That’s what you’d be saying the first ‘yes’ to. ‘Yes’ to yourself, ‘yes’ to your relationship and ‘yes’ to your family.

The ‘NO’ is declining a request. This is hard for many people. It takes courage. Often, when it’s difficult, we acquiesce and then feel resentful or angry. Sometimes, we get verbally aggressive because we believe it’s the only way people will listen to us. However, it is possible to say ‘no’ calmly and respect the other person when it’s sandwiched between two “YES’s”.

The last ‘YES’ is a ‘yes’ to the other person. Although this isn’t your obligation or responsibility, it’s a gesture of caring. It’s a way for you to maintain your boundaries while offering another option. For example, suppose your in-laws expect you to cut their lawn because it’s getting harder for them to do it themselves, but you and your partner want to veg out at home after a long work-week. In this case, your last ‘yes’ could be offering to call a lawn maintenance company for them.

It IS possible to say ‘no’ to the things you really don’t want to be doing. Actually, this is a crucial skill: to know ourselves and what’s truly important and then to lead our lives in accordance with those values. The ‘YES, NO, YES’ response will help you and your partner to accomplish this.

To find out more, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

When Your Relationship Feels Flat: How Humor Can Help

January 25, 2012 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Is the fun, light-hearted side of your relationship missing? Do things feel dull and blah between you and your partner? Do you have more fun with people other than your spouse? Have things felt this way for a while? It’s likely that things were dramatically different at the beginning of your relationship: it used to be fun. You used to love being together, touching, talking and kissing. You used to play and laugh with each other. But, not recently. You don’t know where that side of your spouse went. Come to think of it, you don’t know where that side of YOU went!

And as much as you may not feel like laughing when things are this dull and distant, humor can really help your relationship.

When was the last time you kidded around with your partner?
When was the last time you shared an inside joke?
When was the last time you were both bent over in hysterical laughter?

There is tremendous value in bringing that fun, humor-filled attitude back into your life. Humor connects people. Sharing jokes between you brings you closer and helps bond you. In addition, laughter helps us to see our lives more clearly. Sometimes we need a reminder that BOTH difficulty and joy exist in our relationships. It can be challenging to keep joy and playfulness in your heart when your relationship is going through difficulties. Remember though, that your relationship does have joy and goodness even in the midst of hard times. Life offers us plenty of moments of quirkiness, ironies,and absurdities.

Start by laughing at yourself. As humans, we make plenty of mistakes. There are so many idiosyncracratic things about each of us. Keep in mind that I’m not talking about self-deprecating humor; humor in which we put ourselves down. Instead, imagine that you can see yourself from another angle: a funny, jovial or playful way of seeing yourself.

Joke, laugh, and have fun with your partner. Be aware, though, that joking with your partner can be tricky. It’s a slippery slope to mocking and shaming. Teasing can easily turn to ridicule. We might try to excuse it away by saying, “It’s only a joke!” or “Can’t you take a joke?” However, some teasing is really criticism deeply disguised, so you have to be mindful about how your partner might feel. The goal here is to use humor to bring you and your partner closer to each other, not an opportunity to put your partner down. You don’t want to create more resentment and distance.

Find something neutral to introduce the humor back into your relationship. Laugh together at things you both find funny. It could be:

the silly things your kids do and say
a hilarious show or movie
a comedian whose humor you both like
something absurd that happened at work
a funny website
your pet’s curiosity and reactions to things
playing with your kids and your pets

Bringing laughter back into your lives can help change the tone of your relationship.

To find out more about how having fun together can help to bring you closer, schedule an appointment here at Couples Therapy Center. Call 908-246-3074, email mkeller@couplestherapycenterofnj.com

Giving Thanks for Your Partner: How Appreciating the Good Can Transform Your Relationship

November 15, 2011 by admin in Giving Thanks | Leave a comment

Are you taking your partner for granted OR, even worse, focusing on what she/he isn’t doing or saying? If you wish your partner would change, and have already asked, pleaded or begged for these changes to be made, it’s time to stop. Not only will this fail to bring about the changes you desire, it will actually hurt your relationship! Instead of focusing on what is wrong in your relationship, taking time to appreciate what is right can dramatically improve the way you feel about your partner AND your relationship.

Lots of us take our partner (and our relationship) for granted. Our significant other is just ‘there’: living alongside of us and doing whatever they do. Or maybe it goes beyond taking him/her for granted. Maybe you’re locked in conflict and actively dislike your partner. You may be reading this and thinking, “Gratitude and appreciation?! For MY partner? No way! Not when she/he doesn’t _______!” Read More

The Importance of Sex in Marriage

November 14, 2011 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Remember the intensity of sex at the beginning of your relationship? Sex was fun, passionate and, likely, more frequent than it is now. The fact that this romantic stage of relationship fades is a normal, and certainly disappointing, course of a committed relationship. Once the intensity wears off or the frequency dies down, you may view sex any number of ways: as something you miss, something you no longer have the time or desire for, or something you’re relieved not to have to do. Read More

Different From Your Partner? How This Can Be A Strength Rather Than A Problem

November 9, 2011 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Do you sometimes wish your partner acted, thought, or did things more like you? Instead of being frustrated by your differences, it would be a better use of your time and energy to acknowledge your partner’s strengths and find ways they can benefit your relationship.

Everyone has areas of natural talent and areas where they are weaker. However, our society mistakenly emphasizes that we need to excel in most areas, be “well-rounded” or – at the very least – competent at most things. But since humans are meant to be in relationships with others, we really don’t have to be good at everything, or even good at most things. As humans, we’ve always lived in communities. We are interdependent: connected with and relying on one another. Instead of trying so hard to be good at everything, we should focus on using our own strengths in conjunction with our partner’s. Read More

Date Night Ideas

August 18, 2011 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Do you have a date night but are getting bored with dinner and a movie? Here are some fun ideas to keep you in connection with each other.

Go to an arcade or boardwalk and play those games with each other that you haven’t played since you were dating: skee ball, air hockey, PacMan.
On a map of a state or country you’ve lived or traveled, highlight all the towns and sites you visited together. Bring your map to a coffee house and reminisce together. Read More

Words Are Crucial: How Speaking Your Unfiltered Thoughts Could Be Impacting Your Relationship

June 9, 2011 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

Words have so much power. Depending on how we use them, words have the power to inspire, to hurt, or to heal. Notice what you say to your partner. Are you saying words that support and inspire your spouse? Are you using words that soothe and heal him/her? Or are you using words that criticize or shame your partner?

We often fail to consider the impact that our words have on others because we spend so much time talking. We think that our words don’t really matter, or won’t have much of an effect on anyone else. The rationale is, “I talk all day. Each thing I say doesn’t really have that much of an impact on others.” Put that together with the fact that most people are poor listeners and it’s easy to convince ourselves that our words won’t have a very big impact on someone else’s life. However, this is not true. Our words DO make a difference to others. Read More

The Transformational Power of Love?

January 9, 2011 by admin in Emotions | Leave a comment

This time of year, we are hearing so much about New Year’s Resolutions. The idea of starting new habits in January is all over magazines and TV. Naturally, we think about doing things differently going forward. We can have the best intentions, yet, ever wonder why people resolve to make a change and the change only lasts a short time? Has this happened to you and then did you criticize yourself for not having stronger willpower? If so, you may be surprised to learn that change is not about willpower and toughing it out. Lasting change happens when we’re in a loving relationship. This is the transformational power of love. Read More

Relationships Are SO DIFFICULT At Times: Does It Mean We Chose The Wrong Partner OR Can We Somehow Learn From All This?

September 10, 2010 by admin in Relationships | Leave a comment

At times, your marriage brings joy and fulfillment. At other times, it can be full of frustration, conflict or boredom. During these difficult times, you may wonder, “Is this all there is?” or “Why is this so hard?” These thoughts or feelings can be especially discouraging when you compare this to a time earlier in your relationship when things felt wonderful. Rest assured – there is more to marriage. In fact, through these conflicts and difficult times you can grow to experience a hidden reward of marriage: it can help you grow into your whole self. That’s right; one reward of your unique partnership is that it can actually help you grow as an individual. Read More

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